Category: love

Loners who did not choose it

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Last night I had one of my deep thinking moments ,as sometimes happens before I go to sleep.I was thinking about loners .

There are two types I know of Negative and positive , negative ones usually  become worse than the ones who bullied them and sometimes become murders.

Positive ones don’t take it out on people ,they stay on the side of love no matter what,but none of us chose this path.I find myself thinking at night WHY??

I have tried socialising always ok as a child and early teens I was shy and it was more difficult,but as I got older I got more confidence ,spoke out more and braved it all,I even stood up to be bullies.

A couple of bullies I asked why don’t you like me.?

They answered. “because you’re a loser” “Because you don’t go on a break “( because they never say with me!!)

Some side” just because?”

It’s hard finding a social group at the moment but there seems to be lots of them in Thornton cleveleys If summers are noisy this year my parents and I may retire there.

I also know I’m not the only one I know there are others like me with the same issues ,thinking at night why?we try to be nice friendly and good manners so it’s not us it’s them.

I’m 41 now and still no solid group of friends I have one friend who texts I’ve known him for almost 10 years now.

I’m not shy anymore I’m confident and speak my mind but also look out for people and stay caring and thoughts.

Despite all the nasty bad people I will always follow my heart and be carrying and loving and always be me.

I will not let it turn me into a nasty evil bully that’s the weak way of dealing with it.

As for the WHy? I cannot answer that one yet still figuring it out ,maybe god’s saving us for something , honestly I don’t know. But if you’re a loner who has not chosen to be don’t turn to the dark side stay strong loving and caring ,love is stronger than hate.

Baptism Is A Commitment ,Not to be used wrongly

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Sadly I have noticed people using baptism for the wrong reasons ,they have not been taking it to be a part of the faith and of the Catholic church .

They are misusing a gift for Lord Jesus and God and are using it for gains Some are using it just for marriage ,some are using it for schools or to get in higher places.

This is very sad news,and I also don’t like the fact they lie to our Priests ,who lie to a priest? You must never lie to a man of god, you must respect him.

I got Baptised last year into the Catholic church ,I have always believed and had faith ,I enjoy going to mass I pray and feel close to the Lord ,being catholic is a special part of my life .

Sadly these others who get baptised just use the baptism for gains ….very upsetting .

I feel so strongly about this matter I have Written to Pope Francis

I am asking for strict rules for you to be baptised , because it is not to be used  wrongly it is a gift from the lord it is a way of life and a commitment ,I feel you must have strong faith and commitment to the catholic church Lord God ,Jesus holy spirit and Virgin Mary .

If Anyone reading this blog plans on being Baptised to use it as a sin for gains and higher things in life ….please think again and do not get Baptised you are being unfaithful to the religion our priests who by the way work extremely hard ,the Pope and The lord.

Please do not waste their time do not lie to them search your soul and ask why for the right or wrong reasons.

I don’t like people misusing a gift for God to fulfill selfish needs or wants it ,is not for that .

Baptism  is for people who truly believe and have faith and love and commitment to the Catholic church.

I remember after being baptised for a couple of months my mind was clear and I was at peace there was serenity and warmth in my heart my mind was clear ,everything was at peace ,I felt the gift from Jesus on me and it was one of the most amazing feelings I’ve ever had.

Also we were visited by the Holy Spirit ,my Dad and I saw it in our Garden as a white Dove ,it truly was the Holy spirit.

My faith is strong I believe 100 % and the spiritual and miracles ,My wrist for 2 to 3 years was turning into arthritis I was scared I would not do art again I prayed it got better and I got a white cross on my wrist where it was healed.

This is strong faith and belief ,so I ask my readers please only get Baptised if you believe and have faith and commitment to the catholic church .

Rejection affects you all your life

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I have been rejected and judged by people since I was a kid.

I remember sitting on a cold step in playing ground crying and alone ,not noticing the bell to come in and still sitting there in silence…..this is rejection.

I’ve been single forever ,I have never had a relationship never had sex never had companionship ….sadly missed out on these wonderful things ….not by choice,by other people’s choices

I’m now 40 and the rejection is not just of men but lack of friends to and social life is still with my hurting It affects you your whole life .Emotionally it does not completely go as it is still happening.

I noticed since my late to mid 20s I lost all hope ,I don’t get hopeful because I just expect the worst ,Because sadly that is what happens ,I have no hope left in me ,sadly because I know I’ll be rejected and worst is always going to happen to me.

Then I ask myself ,am I ugly? What is wrong with me? Why does a man not want me? Why do people not want to be friends?

I try to be a good person I treat people as I’d like to be be treated my self ,I have good manners ,show people I care ….yet here I am 40 years old unmarried no social life apart from at church and in text messages???

Why ? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t people love me like I love them? I feel cursed like I’ve done something really really evil to suffer this the whole of my life .

At age 28 I said to myself I condemn myself to my fate I will most likely die old and alone and have a poorpas grave …if I’m really lucky I’ll have a faithful dog by my side.

But that is where I see my future ,this is also why dogs are important to my life they love you they are there they bring you happiness when no one else will.

Things I’ve lost: HOPE ,LUCK ,HAPPYNESS

Things I have to give : Love , Loyalty,faith,compaction,friendship

I have a lot of love in my heart I try to tell family and anyone I care about I love them because I will regret it if I don’t and if something bad happens it’s important to tell people you love them as it brings happiness.

Not being told your loved or cared for you get tears rejection pain and cry on your pillow endless nights ….I’m 40 and still do that I’ve been doing that since I can remember.

I can only dream of what it’s like to be loved by a man and that is most likely all it ever will be …just a dream that will never happen….it’s painful knowing this future and not experiencing having love from someone ….it would probably make me the happiest woman on earth if it did happen..

But until then sadness will always dwell with me.

How you know your soulmate

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I found myself as a person , finally when I met him. Many years of stress ,rejection and being bullied clouded my mind teens and onwards I was very lost and could not find myself or know myself too well.

October 16 2015 I joined Wild Colours Art group 2016/2017. I met him bare with me ,some of this is complex and hard to explain. There is a strong spiritual feeling of chemistry between us I’ve never experienced with anyone else .

We share the same humor and banter ,and he was the first man ever to drop his jaw when he saw me.I see in his eyes my soulmate warmth caring but also missing me in him.

I noticed the empty space in my soul that had hurt me for many years ,was filled up and has never returned ,my love for him makes me feel young ,happy and cheerful.

We bounce off each other’s advice I have given him in the past ,he returns to me as advice ,we have similar lives ever so slightly , our disabilities are similar and we should not be ashamed of them.

His eyes tell me a thousand and one things not just about him but about my self ,my soul senses when he is feeling down and when he is happy ,my dreams tell me when he thinks of me ,and what he would want to say to me ,but can’t .

We both have paths leading in the same direction ,and I hope again to bump head on into him,because I love him so much the warmth from the love brings out happiness and youthfulness ,that happiness he gives me is like a potion of youth,I know I’ll love him til forever in heaven and whatever’s next it life, he is part of me I am part of him .

.

Rick’s Spirit visits me

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I have a history of Spirits ,When I was a young girl while in my bed I saw ghost of my Nan after she died.

As a teenager I always felt someone was in my bedroom with me ,It was Grandad watching over me I think becouse I was going through hard time.

In Grandad s flat in Hampshire me and Marion ( mum’s best friend ,felt every thing go freezing cold ,this was Mary nans. Sister.

When Marion passed away she sent messages for my mum to me to pass to her.

And other things I get only good spirits which is a relief. But since my favorite Rock star passed I’ve had him visit me , we have a connection ,I used to give him gifts .

Most recently it has been my birthday ,last night he turned up in my dream ,he wished me a happy birthday and gave me a kiss and a hug . It was lovley ,I told Rick I had met Francis recently, He was wearing one of his white look54 tshirts was just so nice ,after this dream I woke up warm and red-faced but. Very happy.

Spirits of passed loved ones and ancestors do visit us in dreams it’s one of the mericals of the unexplained afterlife and spiritual world ,it is also a positive becouse you know that your loved one is happy.

I know some of you who read this will be none believers and just wash it off as some fantasy dream. I can tell you it is not as I don’t have many fantasy dreams ,they eather don’t make any sense or are dream with meaning ,or something of the future of visit from spirits.

Like a dream I had couple of months back it’s only a minor one this but made sense , I saw inside a church and a humming bird , next day mum mentioned a humming bird and the church was on Endeavour episode. It really can be a minor as that or full blown like future places I’ve seen on vists in North Wales and the changes to Sale town center .

Sale Town center was a reccuring dream which has now stopped becouse the changes I saw , the dreams were over a couple of years ,they have stopped becouse Sale town is now charging like it showed in the dream. I have a very open mind and believe in spirit ghosts predictions aliens the lot becouse the unexplained is in our world with us and in us.

Lost Soul wondering aimlessly

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I was told by the spirits he was the one , in 2016 they kept telling me he is your soulmate.

I tried to ignore them because I didn’t want to get hurt or rejected.But I felt A special chemistry bound with him , he the only who has ever looked at me in a special way and shown interest.

Yet he rejects me 💔💔 I’m so confused ,I remember all the little things the signs, the time he saw me with a new hair cut his jaw dropped and he stuttered , Flower emojis he sent …he even sent flirty texts.

He held my hand in a special way when we had a deep talk together ,he removed my bag strap when it got stuck on a chair. He kept the paintings I made him ,he checked out my bum at the pub 😄.

But yet with out chemistry and me finding myself when I found him , my empty soul feeling warm and complete….he rejects me???

In 2016 I did my very very best to ignore the spirits as I didn’t want rejection and heart brake but they just wouldn’t have it….think one is my grandad and the other Rick Parfitt (spirit bit later not 2016 .2019 -now…..repenting I think ?

I have so much special little memory’s of him that matter so much he is the love of my life ,I try looking at other men but they are not him…he is so important I’ll never meet another perfect guy like him he is my soulmate ,If I can’t be with him I will love him still but I will die a virgin lonely with a dog coz he is the one.

I love our banter ,I miss our banter ,I love him calling me nicknames like misses and joking and flirting with me ,I love his hugs his personality his charm good looks ….love hurts ..

Iam now a soul wondering aimlessly confused and lost ,I will never love again no one can be him…from now on only lust and pureity….with me most likely pureity no one wants me 📿🙏 I will never get over him just always love him even when iam a old lonely lady with my faithful dog…that’s how I see my future …when my parents sadly pass in years ….I will have just me and a dog …..😭😭💔 .

You wonder about rejection , My life has been rejection it effects you emotionally , rejection is what I’ve had my whole life asking people out trying to make friends ect.All the time I end up lonely and feel scared of groups incase I’m judged…it’s not easy you also have no support just family support…..but when your family goes…. there is just you……this is one reason I wanted me right out of many….now what???2😭💔

I’m a lonely soul wondering aimlessly confused ……….

Coved19 March 2020

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Week 1 &2

Week 1 : My art group where I socialise do Art and meet with my best friend in canteen, was cancelled.

This made me feel very sad intact I burst into tears , my fear is never seeing my friends or art group again.

Tuesdays Art group gave me happyness and my friend he gives me lots of happyness if I lost him I’d die.

Week 2 Mum & I always go to Hampshire in March to visit family ,also have a few days out.

1st change we saw was the service station at Warwick was almost empty.

On a Normal day the service station would be full.

Supermarkets have been mad to much ques and people panic buying, There is no need for this .

If you just did your normal shopping and didn’t panic , we would still have lots of stuff and not have run out .

Victoria Park Hampshire was so busy , becouse we are all aloud to go for healthy walks in parks , I loved seeing all the happy doggies having walks as I love dogs.

My only fears at the moment are

  1. My Dad who has underlying health issues getting coved19
  2. Not seeing Chris again
  3. Not seeing friends in art group again
  4. Normality and being able to live a normal life going for cafe shopping days out ect ect .
  5. That’s all that’s worrying me .
  6. I urge you all to think of others and don’t panic buy and KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON!!!!!

YOUR NEVER ALONE WHEN YOU DIE .

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I want to comfort people who have lost family and friends to Covid 19.

Many people have died but come back , and have told us of what happens when you die.

Please do not worry , your loved ones were and are never alone (it’s up to you if you believe or not).

But spirits of relatives and Friends who may have died in the past ….or some cases pets watch over us.

When it is our time someone we knew in our life joins us and takes us to the next world .

When your soul leaves your physical body the pain is gone , becouse the pain was in your body not your spirit or soul.

My Mum’s best friend who sadly passed away of Cancer way before Covid 19 , became free of her pain and she got her hair back , I hear her voice sometimes,I hear spirits angels they guide and protect.

No one is ever completely alone ,you have spirits and angel as company who are there for you , once you die you are happy in the next life and your pain is gone, you can stay in heaven or come back to earth as a ghost and wait for your soulmate to join you and watch over your loved ones.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE , THEY ARE NOT ALONE , NOBODY IS ALONE.

The Sex toys just Don’t do it for me

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Being a virgin for most of my life sadly , And 36 still no boyfriend ….got a nearly boyfriend he just needs to admit his feelings to me.

Anyhow Through out my life to get a feel of the sex I’ve never had I’ve been reading erotic book , had fantasy’s.

In my late teens early twenties I was a rock chick and had very erotic fantasy’s of Rock stars.

Richie sambora and John bon Jovi sometimes together

Paul Stanley Kiss and other member of kiss threesome or just Paul.

Rick Parfitt Francis Rossi threesome or Just Rick.

Then Had fantasys of James May from Top Gear to ,Snape from Harry Potter. Jack Sparrow and Jareth The Goblin King…phew.

I orgasamed in the fantasy s they were hot.

But my dildos all big 7inch ones seem to do nothing for me ( I use this size due to my very tight meow!!!

Thrust them fast and not one orgasam , don’t feel turned on by them.

I guess I’m only turned on by real men , especially the man I’m in love with I wish I could have him I need that closeness , love and hot sex.

Coved19 week 6 First week of April.

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First this week Nan called to say Step Grandad was put into hospital .

Clocks went forward so I’ve been waking up at 10am not 9Am ,Still not used to the times as yet.

Friday Step Grandad died in Hospital from Cover 19 after only 3 days.

I was told today by my parents this morning.

2020 is turning out to be a very slow depressing year , that’s taking members of everyone’s family’s away.

It reminds me of a apocalypse so far more people are dieing each day and it has don’t disappeared as yet.

This means we can’t go back to normal life yet,the love of my life says he will hug me when and If we next meet , so I’ll look forward to being held in his strong arms.

Nothing much else has happened being stuck at home only so much can happen.