Category: autism

Apparently you’re weird of your waiting outside the loo .

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Have to get this off my chest as it’s bothering me.

Today after my dentist appointment I felt I needed the loo,so went downstairs and saw it was engaged,so I waited outside for use.

Which I’ve thought since I was little was the normal polite thing to do and what people have been doing for years.

Anyway I sat down next to Dad in waiting after the loo ,and heard the secretary whispering to the other secretary that “the girl was waiting outside the loo …I don’t know if it is an autism thing”.

This made me feel like a right weirdo ,I also felt judged and offended and upset by it….something that people do every day…yet when I do it it’s weird?!!

Sadly this is why I guard myself …from people because I get judged so much ..I only let in my most trusted close people which is very few …count on one hand my most trusted people.

So in a way I’m avoidant with certain people who I don’t know too well ,because I don’t trust them …it takes Alot to earn my trust …being avoidant  with strangers and people I don’t know I protect myself from being hurt….sadly this is with most I just seem to get judged and bullied Alot in myself ….ask why??

I’m not mean not nasty not perfect ….why be mean to me what have I done???

As a teen in late 90s

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Due to my autism and the fact I got bullied no matter what school I was put in

I went to Ewing School Didsbury Manchester I was there 1996 -1999 I think.

The whole time I was at this school I saw a psychiatrist and felt upset.

1st story I’m telling you was one I recently told my friend ,School trip to Brittany France when I was age 13 or 14.It was more like a nightmare I shared a cabin in the ferry ⛴️ with two female teachers .

Before going to sleep I remember seeing the teachers ice cold eyes staring at me so I closed my eyes .

When we reached where we were staying it was an old rundown farmhouse in the middle of the countryside, with no street lights.

There were no carpets in one game room which teachers said only boys could use ….I think there was a living room but teachers said that was just for them…so we only had a garden and a table by a window.we also was not allowed in the kitchen.

We were not fed much . sandwich on french baguette and not much drink ..I ended up buying a large bag of crossettes and four large bottles of water to keep me going.

I remember the beach they took us to was a nudest beach ….think we were the only ones with clothes on ..

At my age it was shocking!!

At the end of the trip we were stuck at the ferry port due to French farmers protesting,so we had to sleep in a cold school gym on gym Matt’s and then catch the ferry the next day.

Later in my years at the school the headmistress Mrs Darbyshire really had it in for me ..

She had a go at me for small normal teenage things …and eventually she made sure the other teachers treated me badly too .

I was extremely depressed due to all of this ,my teens were destroyed by that school and it was that bad .

By the 1st year of college year 2000 still recovering from the school I ended up having anorexia for around a year.

And a further two break downs most recent was at age 23-24.

I feel I can write this blog about it now as I’am now 42 and it’s so far in the past that it cannot hurt me anymore ….I’m finally free of it…

Bible words help me to because I know I’ve suffered Alot but in a way it’s a post that if you suffer in your life you’re welcome to heaven because it’s almost like the suffering Jesus went through.

Glad I don’t have too many friends

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Reason why is because ,well starting with social media ,people using 😄 laughing emoji on comments and putting nasty horrible remarks.

It’s so immature and I don’t want to be friends with people who laugh at others like that ….they are not school kids they are full grown adults yet act like 10 year olds!!

I’ve not got time for nasty immature bullies  I don’t see the point of being nasty to strangers. Why do they do it I’m glad I don’t have many friends I’m happy with the one I’ve got and I trust him 100 %  of the nicest people I know.

I think most of my friends will be dogs I love dogs loyal faithful caring and judgmental I wish I could own a cavalier  king Charles spaniel again always happy  ,lovely dogs ,my favourite breed.

I can’t understand why adults want to be like 10 year olds bullying others and being nasty …..it’s so pointless. These days you get laughed at for options that people disagree with….rather than just disagreeing with you they would rather get nasty and bully you, I also get laughed for being against illegal drugs ,cannabis ,loud music …..but they laughed because they are clearly immature and don’t know right from wrong.

Socially for all humans social life has changed ,you see people with their heads in their phones out…and not paying attention to the world around them….before tech people would chat in streets over fence …basically everything with Alot more social in the olden days.

I use my phone certain times of the day ,for games ,shopping ect,or if TV is rubbish ,the rest of time is spent with my dog ,my art ,my dumbbells and miniverse….I have Alot of hobbies to keep me busy 😄reading….photography……and on and on.

If I ever meet new people who become friends and who I eventually trust it will be a bonus…it’s very hard to make friends these days….I only give my trust to people I’ve known for a long time and I feel 100 percent that they are loyal faithful trustworthy people🕊️♥️ it’s also saver that way.

Rejection affects you all your life

JoBarker3 Comments

I have been rejected and judged by people since I was a kid.

I remember sitting on a cold step in playing ground crying and alone ,not noticing the bell to come in and still sitting there in silence…..this is rejection.

I’ve been single forever ,I have never had a relationship never had sex never had companionship ….sadly missed out on these wonderful things ….not by choice,by other people’s choices

I’m now 40 and the rejection is not just of men but lack of friends to and social life is still with my hurting It affects you your whole life .Emotionally it does not completely go as it is still happening.

I noticed since my late to mid 20s I lost all hope ,I don’t get hopeful because I just expect the worst ,Because sadly that is what happens ,I have no hope left in me ,sadly because I know I’ll be rejected and worst is always going to happen to me.

Then I ask myself ,am I ugly? What is wrong with me? Why does a man not want me? Why do people not want to be friends?

I try to be a good person I treat people as I’d like to be be treated my self ,I have good manners ,show people I care ….yet here I am 40 years old unmarried no social life apart from at church and in text messages???

Why ? What’s wrong with me? Why can’t people love me like I love them? I feel cursed like I’ve done something really really evil to suffer this the whole of my life .

At age 28 I said to myself I condemn myself to my fate I will most likely die old and alone and have a poorpas grave …if I’m really lucky I’ll have a faithful dog by my side.

But that is where I see my future ,this is also why dogs are important to my life they love you they are there they bring you happiness when no one else will.

Things I’ve lost: HOPE ,LUCK ,HAPPYNESS

Things I have to give : Love , Loyalty,faith,compaction,friendship

I have a lot of love in my heart I try to tell family and anyone I care about I love them because I will regret it if I don’t and if something bad happens it’s important to tell people you love them as it brings happiness.

Not being told your loved or cared for you get tears rejection pain and cry on your pillow endless nights ….I’m 40 and still do that I’ve been doing that since I can remember.

I can only dream of what it’s like to be loved by a man and that is most likely all it ever will be …just a dream that will never happen….it’s painful knowing this future and not experiencing having love from someone ….it would probably make me the happiest woman on earth if it did happen..

But until then sadness will always dwell with me.

Need Art Group back In my life 😭

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Since stupid COVID my art group closed ,and with that my social life and life as I knew it went back to how it was before art group.

At Art group every Tuesday it was the highlight of my week I got to socialize,meet people and have a laugh and banter I miss everyone so much.We had such good times ,I was so happy.

Over the COVID years to stay happy I keep my sad feelings bottled up that includes missing art group and missing my special friend who texts me alot …but we need to start meeting in person again😭💔.I try to stay positive and happy as that is how I’d rather be ad life’s too short.

But every now and again I need to cry and think about these things and last night I did that,I have always found making friends hard and also my love life has always been at 0 ,Nearing 40 it gets to me worse than ever I’ve missed out on so.

In this modern era with WOKE people it’s so much harder to make friends as people get offended by everything ,you’re constantly walking on egg shells because you can’t say anything.

I’m from old school as you have seen in my blogs , I believe freedom of speech , expressing and discussing options in an adult mature way Woke people don’t do this if they don’t like your opinion they call you names get nasty and mean…very childish.

I’m on the search for a new social group in case my much loved art group does not start up again, it’s a hard search ….but important as I need a decent social life and to enjoy life and have good times because we only get one chance at life.

much

I’am not mentally Ill

JoBarkerLeave a comment

I think some people still have yet to understand what having ADHD, Asburgers ,and Autism is.

A woman in a discussion I was having claimed it was a mental illness ….now I’m not easly offended, but this really shook me up.

I’am not I’ll with my Asburgers it does not make me sick ,I’am not metal I do not need a straight jacket or to be locked away. Some people still in this day and age do not understand that having “Special Needs ” is not a Illness it is part of who we are as a person

I’am deeply offended to be labeled as mentally ill because I was born unique ,my mum and dad are happy that I was born this way .

I have never broken the law , I’ve never taken drugs and never slept around or got in with the wrong people , I’ve always been good …..ok maybe not a little kid was still learning ….but I’ve not done anything that would class me “mentally Ill”.

Its not just me this would upset but hundreds of others like me , we are each unique with different capabilities as normal as any other human on earth ….but we are not I’ll and we are not suffering !!!!

I’m artistic I spend my time creating art , doing exercises , I’am religious and spiritual and have a caring heart and alot of compassion and emotions,my parents are proud of me and are happy with me just as I’am.

Please If someone says they have any of the above ,do not judge them do not talk down to them , do not treat them as if they are slow and do not say they are mentally Ill, as it is offensive and upsetting.